Current mood:	disappointed
Current music:	The The - Dusk

closure and avoiding the dark side...
So, I've been a bit out of it mentally the last week or so. Sara called me and told me that she didn't think it would be ok for my folks to go to her graduation. I asked her to cut the bullshit and asked her if she was incrementally pushing me out of her life. She said yes. I was devastated. We exchanged some not so nice words and she hung up on me. That was the last time we spoke to each other...and needless to say, I cancelled my trip to Sacramento to go to her graduation.

I felt like the last year of my life was a waste of time. We spent the whole last year dealing with us breaking up and trying to stay friends. It was really hard to do, but I felt like things were working out and I was finally, mentally moving on. But then she pulls this shit and makes the whole thing a waste of time. She was so cruel in how detached she was to me. It is like she has become a completely different person than who I used to know. I thought we would have been able to be good friends, or at least just friends. She was someone I could always confide in and could understand me. But now, all this is gone.

I was so confused and upset for quite a while. My dad and Jason really helped me through it. I was so angry and just wanted to hate her because that way is sooo much easier. I'm really trying to take the high road and just deal with the loss and not let it drag me to the dark side. I wrote her a long email telling her how I felt and that we shouldn't let things end this way. I told her I couldn’t make her stay friends with me, so I'll respect her decision. She wrote me back and told me that this was one of the hardest things she's had to do. She said she shed many tears...but she feels like this is for the best. She still really cares about me, but this is what she thinks would benefit both of us.

I think that I just complicate her life. I am the ex, and she can't deal with having that around in her life. I think she is used to completely separating from her exes, never to be seen again. But we dated for 4 years. We went through so much shit together. ...and now it is left at nothing. She says that she would want to be friends again in the distant future...but after being treated like this, I don't know if that is possible for me. If this is how you treat your friends...man.

This whole ending to our relationship with each other went down exactly as our whole relationship seemed to go down. Everything went according to what she wanted and what she thought was best. My input never seemed to be included in any final decisions. My god I’m glad I’m not with her anymore. The last 2 years of our relationship I was absolutely miserable. We did have good times too, but they simply weren't worth it. I'm just sad she isn't willing to do this like adults and not do this like the majority of people...who simply can't handle it. I was willing to try…perhaps I can get satisfaction in that.

So now we have to play this game of avoiding each other. We have almost all of the same friends. We are bound to run into each other at some function. It makes it much easier that we live at opposite ends of the state...but I visit fairly often, like this weekend. I wanted to help Michelle and Justin move into their new house. Then I found out that Sara would be there. I will avoid that situation like the plague. This not so much to respect her wishes, but because I think I might get sick at the sight of her. This is just so confusing. I really care about her, but at the same time, right now I couldn’t stand to be around her. I just don’t see how I could be friends with her after this. Maybe after a long period of time things will change.

God this sucks. But I think some good will come of it. It makes it a hell of a lot easier to move on and get my life back on track...but that is another story. For now, I feel like I am back on my own again…not having to answer to anyone. This sense of closure is actually quite refreshing...but the Sara I used to know and love is gone, and I will miss her dearly.